Tonight was devastating.
Our family has been sick for the past week. Fortunately, the two that can least afford to get sick are the only ones to not have. The milk that my wife is expressing still needs to make it in to the hospital though. So at the moment, it's my job to make the drive in at night to drop off the milk.
I dropped off the milk and didn't see them at all as I was afraid to go near them whilst I was sick. That was the right thing to do. I don't regret it at all. But getting back in the car I felt horrible. It felt devestating.
I've only held my boys once since they were born almost a month ago. Very rarely have I been there when the opportunity has arisen. They are now at their strongest and weigh just over 2 kilograms each. There will be more and more opportunities to hold thme now that they are out of their incubators, off their IVs and hopefully soon off their CPAPs.
My boys will be a month old in another week and I still feel like I don't know them. I almost feel like they are not mine at times. They don't seem that different to any of the other babies in NICU. They have a little name tag that is there that has the first names that we have given them and my wifes maiden name (we didn't get her patient file updated). I want them home with me but thank god they aren't given the germs in the house at the moment.
I think of myself as a pretty laid back and logical guy and it takes a fair bit to rattle me. Logically, I know in another week I'll be healthy again and will be able to go in and see them. Logically, I know they are in a much better place than being at home at the moment. Emotionally, I am devestated
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