The TTTS rollercoaster slows, Problems ahead

The TTTS rollercoaster has been kind over the past few weeks. My wife had an operation that successfully saved our twins and we are now approaching 21 weeks. The 3 scans since her operation at 18 weeks & 3 days have been largely positive. The latest scan showed healthy boys and a slightly larger build up of amniotic fluid (but within the normal range) for our larger twin, Max.

And yet, compared to tumultuous times, I've found myself pretty depressed this weekend. Back in 2013, our twins were misdiagnosed as MonoChorionic MonoAmniotic (MoMo) twins. MoMo twins share one amniotic sac which is highly dangerous as their cords can become entangled. I think Pete from 2013 would struggle to relate to me today. He would say Mate, we're in the early months of our pregnancy worrying about high risk MoMo twins. You are 21 weeks in to your pregnancy, have MoDi twins and just got through a high risk operation completely unscathed. I would do anything to swap places with you. 

And Pete from 2013 is right. Back then I would have taken my situation today in a heartbeat and been incredibly thankful for it. So why am I feeling this way?

The metaphorical TTTS rollercoaster isn't the quick and short lived rollercoaster from the real world. I don't think we are built for such long term fluctuations in emotions and adrenaline. We are not built for rollercoasters that stretch past the horizon.

I've briefly stepped out of crisis mode and the "What's my job?" creed is still relevant but not all encompassing. The roller coaster has slowed and as I've sat back and relaxed I've spotted a rescue team off in the distance. Who knows how long they've been there but day by day I can see them getting closer. They want me to depart in an orderly fashion at the end of the line but they are preparing for a derailment. They're simply too far away if we were to derail now. The team looks professional, highly skilled and are backed by impressive technology but I can't help but notice they've each got their fingers crossed. Luck will play a massive part.

Back to the real world.............sort of. I've dreamt I'm with my boys at the waters edge of a place close to my heart. My boys are healthy and I'm holding one in each arm. They are too small to risk bathing them in the very cold waters of the river but I have trickled some water on them to connect them to the place. I am smiling, there is a hint of tears in my eyes. My tiny boys  are oblivious to the significance of the occasion but we are all healthy and happy. I WANT THIS SO BAD! and I'm so scared that I won't get it.

I can now feel my boys moving in my wife's belly, things aren't just on a screen any more and I'm hurting. I'm hurting because I've realised that, regardless of this pregnancy's outcome, these will be my last children and my only boys. This pregnancy will be a blessing for the rest of my life or a painful memory......triggered frequently by what are seemingly innocuous activities to others like seeing kids in a double pram

The next few months will have a big impact on my life but all I can do is hold on and cross my fingers.